@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex