Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.