Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
what
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”