Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.