In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.