I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Phonetics
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.