Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.