Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.