me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.