I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?