I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
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[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My whole life was a lie.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.