I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”