[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
finally found a reasonable question
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]