It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Just why bro?!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Put a ring on it
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense