My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.