Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
me when i see my girls butt
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.