[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Oh we’ve met.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
they finally got him. they got macavity
Weirdos gonna weird.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.