Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
You Might Also Like
This 4th of July, please remember…
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”