My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server