Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.