“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.