I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
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Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.