*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
and this one
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…