If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Good dog. ❤️
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year