Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen