The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating