“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
some things should go without saying
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
When they try to steal your moment.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes