Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.