” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
When you’re here for the treats.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.