Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.