me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
🛁
an airline just for babies.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Hello, my name is Pierre.