My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”