I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
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When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”