9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.