Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Never ghost your hitman.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”