[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
dude it’s called proctologist
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My dating profile:
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy