I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”