Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.