Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.