I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
i did the math
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.