[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“That’s what” – She
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now