Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.