Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
constantly working on myself.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
They’re really bad with fonts.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.