Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.