[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
pep talk
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.