How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.