Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Every photo I’m tagged in
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong