Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.