Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
me logging onto twitter
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home