son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Crying is a sign of leakness.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes